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A Family’s Role in Miscarriage
Miscarriage is a difficult loss for any family. There is a fine line between showing that you care and stepping over the boundaries into the very private territory of the couple who has suffered the loss. So, families are often left wondering what to do or say when they know that a family member has lost a baby because of a miscarriage.
Miscarriage Is Such An Empty Feeling
Miscarriage is a loss that is so difficult to explain to others. When child loss occurs through a miscarriage, it very seldom seems real to others because in an early miscarriage there is nothing that solidly validates a new life. A mother knows almost instantly that she is carrying a baby because her body goes through so many physical changes every day. Hormone levels are rapidly changing and things such as extreme fatigue, morning sickness, and a heightened sense of smell are all indicators that something is happening to a woman’s body.
High on the list of discussions is hearing the baby’s first heartbeat. That one event is always a monumental event. Often, many phone calls are made to friends and relatives letting them know how exciting it was to hear the swoosh swoosh sound of the baby’s heart beating. Even more exciting is watching the baby’s heart on the first ultrasound. There is nothing quite like seeing the rhythmic beating of your own little miracle!
When a miscarriage occurs, probably one of the most difficult and most painful tasks is that of breaking the news to family members and friends that the baby you had once been so excited about is now only part of a broken dream. Most parents feel overwhelmed and lost when they are faced with telling their living children that there will not be a little baby brother or sister—at least not just yet. Parents are left wondering what do you say? How do you tell a young child that a loss has occurred?
Miscarriage: A Misunderstood Grief
Miscarriage is just recently beginning to be recognized as a valid grief issue. For many years, women were told not to talk about it and to move on as though nothing happened. The most used cliché was that “this happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” The problem, though, has been that the grief of this type of early pregnancy loss has remained a silent, but constant, pain carried deep within the hearts of millions of women.
Planning a Funeral for Your Stillborn Baby
Many times, parents are faced with the question of what to do when a stillbirth occurs. They were certainly never expecting to be involved with a situation as difficult as planning a funeral or memorial service for the baby they planned having with them forever and always.
October 15 - A Day of Remembrance
Those who have suffered early child loss often feel forgotten by society. Many times they have been made to feel that it’s somehow wrong to grieve a miscarried baby or a baby that was never seen, held, and loved by others.
Following a miscarriage, or any type of early child loss, there is often a strong yearning to begin trying to conceive again. The empty hole that has been left by grief and loss creates a feeling of wanting to be filled.
Sometimes when a couple is given the news that their baby has died, the couple will be asked if they want to miscarry naturally, or if they would like to opt for a D&C. Other times, there will be no choice in the matter. If the content of the uterus has not been completely emptied, a D&C will be performed.
When a miscarriage occurs, there are several very abrupt changes that take place with a woman. Emotionally, a woman must relocate her thinking from pregnant to not pregnant. This sounds easy to do, but it can take months for a woman to completely get her mind to accept the fact that she is no longer in a pregnant state.
Many women ask the question, “Is an ectopic pregnancy the same as a miscarriage?” The answer is that an ectopic pregnancy is quite different from a miscarriage. Ectopic literally means “out of place.” In an ectopic pregnancy, the fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus, usually in a fallopian tube, and begins to grow. About one in every 50 pregnancies is an ectopic.
Unfortunately, in my case, the baby had died. Instead of inducing labor, I was left to go into spontaneous labor that did not happen for more than two weeks after the baby died. During those weeks, I actually felt the baby kick! I would place my hand above the baby and feel him moving around many times throughout the day and night.
It is not uncommon for a woman in her seventies to begin to grieve a miscarriage that took place forty years before. The pain can be as fresh as it was when the miscarriage first happened.
One very difficult task in grieving a miscarriage is finding the strength to tell others of the loss. When a mother and father are lost in the grief of losing their baby, it is often so painful to talk about the loss that for a period of time neither parent wants to mention the loss. But, one thing still remains – the task of telling others that the pregnancy has ended.
Whether you lost a pregnancy at six weeks or six months, loss feels devastating. Women are anxious after loss. Many are depressed. Most wonder if it was somehow their fault. Much of this angst could be lessened with real answers - diagnostic tests to uncover medical explanations for loss. But doctors aren’t required to test for causes of miscarriage. The result?
